Question: Could use some insight…
So today I let my anger get the best of me. I was on a call with a call center – rep was rude and confrontational- and I mirrored her behavior. Or maybe she mirrored mine. I feel pretty guilty and depressed over my behavior. Sometimes I find it so hard to live the “love and light” mentality. The new age movement seems to profess letting it all go, living joyfully, lovingly to our fellow man.
My big fault is judgment. I judge others and myself harshly. I feel so disappointed with myself at times. Not acting how I should act, saying what I should say, not saying what I shouldn’t say… I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m sensitive, emotional, moody, judgmental. I find it hard to focus on the good in me.
I know there is good in me. I know being human is a lesson in being imperfect. Confronting your mistakes, accepting responsibility, making amends and trying to do better. It just seems like it’s never ending. Anger, envy, resentment, melancholy, resistance.
How does one live up to these love and light expectations? How can I be genuine? I’ve done a lot of terrible things in my life – a lot! I’m finally seeing this in myself and it’s really painful to realize what a terrible person I am. I feel like I can never make it up.
I definitely am not asking for sympathy here. Just scrambling for some kind of insight. My journey of self-discovery has been necessary. I’ve blocked out the universe for so long that I can only expect some kind of purging of my shadow selves.
How have you made this journey? What were some things that kept you sane?
Between where we are and the ideal is a vast distance that can only be covered step by step. Wishing to be different and then believing you suddenly should be, will only serve to disappoint you and cool your enthusiasm to change, the moment experiences reveal what you still need to purge within. Real change is never sudden and drastic, but is gradual and consistent. Look at the rising Sun! The sky is only gradually illuminated by Light, and at no point is there a big jump from one moment to the next, yet you recognize a change. The issue is you are hoping for big leaps in your development by believing you can consistently express love and light overnight, just because you have the desire for it.
Do not worry about these new age affirmations other people seem to express and pretend to master! There is none so pure among us that he does not have to struggle! Everyone is fighting some personal battle you cannot see, so do not worry about how others seem to appear. Just focus on embracing these experiences as help from the Almighty that comes to show you what is within your heart, so you know what still needs to be changed. Do not use these moments to be unmotivated to change, but rather use them to draw humility for yourself. A humility that shows you the struggle of your own heart so you better understand and sympathize with the battle raging in those of your neighbors. And in understanding lies forgiveness.
Lastly, do not brood and beat yourself up so much. No child learns to walk without tumbling! But it invariably gets up and continues walking, with its sight set unwaveringly on the goal. It does not care how long it takes, it is just determined to eventually learn to walk! So if you stumble, just brush yourself off and keep going.
Remember life is a school, and we are here to learn through experiences. So pick your head up and advance courageously, step by step. Continue on your journey toward the goal, for with patient determination you will eventually reach it.
All the best to you.
~Ikenna Q. Ezealah