A troubled lady participated in a palaver in which she sat in a circle with some old friends who were exchanging relationship stories. Once bestfriends in college, their disclosures were very candid and transparent that spanned the entire spectrum from abominable to charming. Details, good and bad, were solicited. Questions and answers followed in rapid succession. Laughter, shrieks, disgust, romanticism, frustration, felicity and the panoply of other emotions were present. Advice, suggestions and admonitions were profuse. However, there was an inverse relationship between the abundance of badinage and the substance and depth. Swept up in the fever, the lady decided to share the current state of her tumultuous relationship with the women, hoping to gain some womanly support. She knew they would be very supportive and placate her sentiments by any means in the traditional sense; even vilifying and bashing the man if necessary to make her feel better about herself. So she stated with a feeling of security:
“I wish I was a lot stronger and he wasn’t so manipulative. My husband and I have been married for six years and he is always more willing to walkaway. Due to the unhealthy mix of his indifference and my great apprehension over the chance of us separating, he has all the power. Whenever I object to something he does or take a different position in certain matters, he angrily says: ‘Maybe we should just breakup’. Since I don’t have the heart to say the same to him, whenever he does something that seriously disturbs me and causes disharmony, I just silently think to myself: ‘I can tolerate it, maybe he’ll change’. But when the roles are reversed and he is disturbed by something I do, he says: ‘I will not tolerate this so you better change.'”
A great uproar exploded among the women in the circle who granted her complete indulgence. “Leave him girl, he doesn’t deserve you!” one said. “You deserve so much better than that. I am sure someone who deserves you is just waiting somewhere, wishing to find you!” the second added. “He is not worthy of your love, you are such a good woman too!” the third interjected. “What a selfish, controlling and heartless jerk! I tell you, good men are so hard to find these days!” the fourth added. “You are being emotionally abused girl, that is manipulation not love! My psychologist friend talks about these things all the time and it only gets worse.” the fifth contributed. They all clamored angrily at the deplorable man while swaddling and nursing the delicate emotions of their friend. However, one friend who was quiet and hardly participated the whole gathering was looking up at the ceiling as if deeply contemplating with a dispassionate face of incredulity. Furrows lined the brow as her hand undergirded her chin in the thinking pose. Surprised and flummoxed by the imperturbability of her whole demeanor, the lady turned her attention toward the quiet friend and specifically solicited her perspective. Directing her full attention and thoughts towards the inquirer, the former friend who now seemed so different in nature offered her response, as the room became silent:
“My heart goes out to you, and bleeds for the both of you…for this indeed is a delicate situation. Running and leaving the relationship might be a recommended short-term fix. It might solve the immediate pressure, but regretfully the same situation in the long-run will almost certainly keep reoccurring unless major changes are made. Why? Based on the energy in your words…his treatment of you seems to unfortunately reflect how you internally see and treat yourself. You inwardly have an abusive relationship with yourself. Based on your words, you have little confidence, faith, esteem and security in yourself. You meticulously destroy this through the demeaning concepts you hold and nurse of yourself in relation to life (misinterpretation of past experiences in childhood and such might play a big role here). You feel broken. In this brokenness, you then externally outsource this power to the man who is supposed to provide all this for you. He is to provide the confirmation and validation to you that you perceive is lacking in yourself. What you have failed to do for yourself, you give him to do for you. So you struggle to sever yourself from the only source to which you have willingly forfeited all your identity and from whom you have convinced yourself you derive any sense of worth. So, in your mind, to leave him is to forfeit your own identity.”
“There is no true love in this relationship. On your end: you seek to tenaciously cling to him and exploit all energy as a means of confirming what you inwardly perceive you lack. On his end: he seeks to cling to you and exploit all energy as a means of confirming his insecurity that manifests as tyranny. Tyranny needs a weak playground that, through manipulation and dominance, it can feel great and bloated about its own self-importance that it perceives it lacks. So the need to feel important and indispensable on his part reflects a deep insecurity and instability that needs validation through external dominance of someone he perceives as weaker. So you feed what he seeks to exploit. You see? So you both have a deep insecurity that feeds off each other, and are thus yoked in a very destructive relationship.”
“Leave by all means! However, without seeking to fix this internally in your heart, you will only be drawn through the law of attraction to another who exhibits the same tendency in a different way. He threatens to leave because he perceives your reluctance. The constant threats is just a cunning way to tighten and expand the emotional noose he is fashioning around you, solely to keep you within the ambit of his insecure influence. But he too will only draw those women he sees insecurities in that he can exploit. The experience will be a reoccurring ouroboros unless true inner changes are made on both ends. I sincerely wish you the best and truly wish you strength to make the best decisions that will bring you ultimate joy in the long-run. I also wish this man is able to change for the better so he does not destroy anyone in future. My best wishes and benevolence go out to you both! Remember, he only has over you what you willingly offer him.”
Shocked, every woman remained silent and speechless. For all vacuous banter hitherto exchanged was forthwith expelled from the room by the scintillating character of the quiet friend’s response.
~Ikenna Q Ezealah