I will make an exception from addressing my customary subjects by deviating into a more secular topic: the world of dating. In doing so, I am not necessarily taking a strong position, but just offering some considerations and my stream of consciousness. As in all things, I will come direct and abort euphemisms that mask our true intentions.
What is the point of dating? Rather, why are we as a society so infatuated with jumping from one relationship to the next? If you step back and honestly assess matters, it is difficult to evade the fact that all forms of outward bindings between the two sexes should really be a precursor to the development toward marriage. If I do not intend to build a lasting future with you, if I do not intend to establish a home with you, why are we together? Are we just “in the meantime” friends with benefits or what? Are you just a temporary source of assuaging the cravings of my unstable emotional appetite? Aggravated as it is by movies, books, music, societal false notions, etc? We can fashion deceptive ignis fatuus and wax poetic about romance, attraction, “love”, blah blah blah, but we cannot pick and choose what we wish to accept. Either accept all or reject all. What do I mean?
Simple: let us speak here with honest words. Tell me this, if the possibility of sexual intercourse was eliminated from a potential dating relationship until marriage, how many people would still willingly enter the said union? I am willing to venture 98% would abolish interest in dating this or that person. Call a spade a spade. So all this “romance” and “I love you” stuff is all nonsense and smoke we use to hide our insatiable appetite for the pleasures of the flesh! Folks are just on the endless hunt for the perpetual experience of jouissance! The romance we mask around it is only to make ourselves feel better and justify our actions. At least be honest about it.
Part of sexual intercourse, besides the intimate fusion of energy, is the possibility of having children. Those two aspects of intercourse come hand-in-hand. Just because we have contraception that allows us to mitigate one, does not eliminate it as rightfully belonging to the whole. Simply put: if you are not prepared to raise children with that person under one roof, then we really have no business sleeping with them. However, to raise children, one must build the environment and home suitable for it. Hence if we are not prepared to build a future with the person, raise a home, and establish the environment for children, we are really not mature enough to have sexual intercourse. Period. We can argue otherwise, but reality points to a different conclusion.
Observe what happens when “lovers” enjoy intercourse and use contraception, but somehow a mistake happens and the lady gets pregnant. There is chagrin and disappointment in the air, despair fills them. Even calling it a “mistake” proves the point. So you were not ready to have this child? The fact you could be so aggrieved by this situation means you were not mature enough to handle part of the effects of this act. If you were not mature to handle it, it means you were not mature enough to do it. You are frustrated at the possibility of being yoked to this person you had not planned on! Behind the endless chatter, you find just an unquenchable craving for the flesh that masquerades itself as “affection”, “love” and “partnership”. That is what it amounts to.
If you approach a relationship from a frivolous angle of it being ephemeral, how can anything healthy really develop on a lasting basis? The average person by the time marriage comes today has had many “relationships” or…to use plain words: has slept around with a great number of people. I find it hilarious how people are condescending toward others they deem as promiscuous. Gossiping endlessly about their lecherous escapades with multiple parties. These people feel pompous about their moral elevation. However, go behind the mask. The only difference between you and the libertine who sleeps around is they call the parties “strangers” while you call your sexual escapades “relationships”. In both cases, the parties slept around with multiple people and nothing changes this fact. It is only the terminology we use that makes us feel proud. So the words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” in a preponderance of cases is just guile we use to lull ourselves into a false sense of decency and respectability.
Just imagine then, with two parties tenured in the dating circuit carrying these cravings into marriage, how do we expect marriages to thrive today? The dating culture is one of gratification, enjoyment and pleasure. It is not one of endurance, long-term commitment, and earnest upbuilding. When each person is use to the ease of changing partners like changing shoes, why would they not enter marriage and treat it the same way of instant gratification? The moment pressures come: divorce. The moment hardship comes: divorce. The moment the “honeymoon lust” runs out: divorce. The moment their cravings rage: temptation, infidelity.
The state of affairs today is unhealthy. Add to this hollywood movies of couples having “hot trysts and dalliances”, desensitzing shows glorifying bedroom acrobatics, books and music edifying pleasure…mix all this up and you have a perfect storm of absolute chaos. A mess where people can enter a relationship and have no idea of its destination and are devoid of all seriousness as to the future. Like entering a plane without absolute clarity about the destination. When one relationship ends…we hop into the next one. The accumulated partnerships exacts a bitter revenge in marriage. How? Because the imprinted experiences make each party subconsciously compare their spouse with previous “lovers”, with the consequence that dissatisfaction and discontent easily arises later on in marriage, the source of which both parties are often unaware.
We need to focus on building a future for ourselves individually. If we cannot accommodate the accouterments of a home, we cannot accommodate sexual intercourse. However, since the latter is mostly the reason people enter into relationships (despite the vapid persiflage spouted by way of “romantic feelings”), then it means we are not ready for a serious relationship. Dating to marriage is like a seed to a fruit. It is meant to be a stage in the development of its maturation into the final product of the fruit. It has no purpose other than growing into an eatable fruit! If you are not ready for the fruit, then back off from the seed.
There is no point addressing our notions of “love”, which amount to only self-infatuated egotistical vanity. We know nothing of love in the sense of the Divine Will, and substitute our human delusions in its place that ministers to our denatured inexhaustible self-centered human desires. The whole dating apparatus is a malignant cancer whose terminal tentacles is wreaking havoc on societies moral anatomy. A breeding ground of confusion that only cripples objectivity and robs citizens of balance and focus. So before we approach someone for a “relationship”, if we ask “am I willing and ready to build a home with this person”, and if the answer is no…then for what other purpose are we linking up with them? Other than to satisfy your bodily cravings and delusions of romance force-fed to us by corrupted media, books, society and inner influences? Look, we have reached a ridiculous point where we need to be honest about our intentions, regardless of how ugly it sounds. Let us be forthright and not wear masks that deceives us about our false righteousness. From this state of honesty, we can then devise means to reverse courses unto the right path.
Let us at least ditch the fata morgana of empty concepts and be straightforward with our intentions. Maybe then we will see ourselves for how we truly are and be compelled by the humiliation to change. All the best!
~Ikenna Q Ezealah