Assessment can be very tricky from the outside, because men and women usually exhibit the same faults in different ways. Mark well! So, take selfishness. A man could manifest selfishness as the non-commitment of his conduct. Engaging with his girlfriend or spouse half-heartedly and thinking only about his desires. Willingly sacrificing time for friends, other women and different pursuits, but he places his girlfriend/spouse in the backburner. However, a woman is different. Her selfishness could manifest as tenaciously clinging to him! Her clinging could be based on insecurities, low-esteem, indecisiveness, a passive domineering attitude, unfair expectations and distorted ideals she wishes him to satisfy. All the while she is more invested in the idea of the fulfillment of her wishes than she is truly entering the heart and seeking to understand him. She does not see him mainly as a person meant to pursue the goals and desires of his heart with a right to self-determination, but as a glorified therapist meant to solve all her problems, appease her ego, placate her inexhaustible instabilities…otherwise! The appearance of outward commitment on her part could then only be a tenacious attachment to her neverending wishes and a crutch of pressure to smother her partner into fulfilling her desires.
People from the outside then call the man a libertine. They call her committed and fantastic, a greater partner. Belittling him as the guilty party…meanwhile they do not see the deeper happening that yokes them together in consanguinity! They do not see they are equally guilty…that is why they are together in some way! The faults just manifest in different ways. Apply this to marriages, to friendships, to everything, and wonders manifest. Children often grow up complaining, blaming their mother or father for this or that…thinking they know the whole story! Meanwhile, they do not see how the so called “innocent” party is usually just as guilty! The same fault manifested in different ways. From this you have the “pity party” crowd, wishing only to justify how their friend was a “great partner” and the other was “not deserving” of them. It goes both ways! Each situation brings different manifestations, tendencies and nuances. But the principle holds.
If only we learn to see deeper, so much blame, senseless accusations, and nauseous justifications would be spared people. Just know men and women are very different. The same fault could manifest in behaviors that seem opposite, but when examined, arise from the same tendency. Naturally, this is not a justification for anomic proclivities and irrational behaviors, but an assessment of the syzygetic tendencies that often goes unnoticed to the ephemeral eye. If you find yourself in a situation, just remember there is a reason you magnetically manifested there. It is not chance. There is something to learn. The question then becomes how we can grasp the lessons offered through every experience, conquer our lower nature, and most importantly grow in selfless love that seeks only to further and ennoble.
~Ikenna Q Ezealah